and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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