I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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