First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
