barbara walters just said penis...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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