Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
