I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
