he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
