you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
