Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
