I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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