Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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