if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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