when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
