:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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