im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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