Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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