Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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