By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
