Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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