im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
