Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
