So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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