Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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