Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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