hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
