your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
