i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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