The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
