There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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