also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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