the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
