im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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