I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
