I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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