I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
