I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
