Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
