dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
