When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
