Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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