My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
