she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
