In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My pussy is not your playground.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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