she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
