I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
