Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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