omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
