I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm passing your future prison.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
