this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
