I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
